Baby Envy

A Baby is visiting me today. His mother is coming with him, as at ten months he might not manage Merseytravel on his own. His name is Frank, and he is effortlessly charming. However, I have a soporific effect upon babies. They seem to like me to wear them over my shoulder, and after ten minutes of conversation, they fall into a profound sleep.I have pondered upon this. Many a sleepless mite, on introduction, is handed to me. "Oh" say the shattered parents "It won't SLEEP.Not ever..we walk around rooms with it, sing the entire lullaby catalogue, dim lights,  and then take it for rides in the car. The lot.But it won't sleep". I hold it.We chat. Conversation with babies is a tad awkward; the usual light party chat "Hello, darling, are you working?" "I love what you've done with your hair,  takes YEARS off you", and so forth, doesn't seem right. But, starved of other topics, I give it a go. "That little babygro , divine! So you..is it Westwood? " "Chewed biscuit in your eyebrows, I see. Really suits you.." I look down.It is unconscious. Every single time.

There must be some way of making this gift pay, no? I could set myself up as a Baby-Borer. Didn't work with my one, by the way. He used to give me a cynical look, and continue with his repetoire of nerve-shredding squeals, or doing the frightening yelling they do when they go all purple and you think they are going to stay that colour.  I have always been suspicious of babies, and consequently steered clear of them for most of my life. I don't know what to do with people who neither drink nor smoke, and who haven't read anything.Toddlers strange too, they just behave as though they WERE roaring drunk. Knocking things over, falling over, fighting their own feet, staggering, dribbling,repetitious..
I am a bit jealous, actually. I fancy being tiny, cute, and helpless, for a change. Centre of attention, and everything done for one. I think, if there is re-incarnation, I should like to come back as a baby.