Modern life is forever throwing up new challenges to etiquette. What, for instance, is the acceptable form when presented with a person who has writing all over them? If they have been pleased to present their philosophy of life, musical affiliations, or sexual preferences to you on their chests, or even to take the time and trouble to have a tattoo which reads "I'm not pregnant, I'm fat", one feels an obligation. The latter is a useful addition to manners and mores, removing as it does the tricky dilemma of whether or not to offer one's seat upon a bus or train to a lady who may be in an interesting condition, or who may have just eaten all the pies. I became convinced that manners were the answer to practically all mankind's ills when I was Head of Student Services in a London college. Student after student would come in bursting with grievances, fizzing with rage, or weeping in frustration. Sometimes the cause was undeniably grim, but quite often it had its origins in a breach of etiquette. "Now Iqbal" I would say "Have you tried Asking Them Nicely?" "Oh, dear, Soraya, well it WAS very rude to call you that, shall we see if we can make them understand that no-one wants to be called a skanky ho? I know I wouldn't..."
I felt like Joyce Grenfell in a crack den.
Someone once observed that for strict observance of social niceties, and prickly sensitivities when these are neglected;one should not study the behaviour of Duchesses, but rather see what happens in prisons. When people are crowded together in tense situations with companions not of their choosing, it becomes absolutely vital for everyone to behave themselves. Keeping a polite physical distance is not only good manners, but good hygiene. On the Rude Tube, for instance, where this is not possible; the only sane response is to signal with the vast array of subtle non-verbals and gestures available to lucky humans , the following sentiments;
"I regret deeply our physical proximity on this occasion. In another,more spacious and mutually agreed social setting, my word,it could have been delightful. But alas, here we are crammed together on the Piccadilly Line, and I have my elbow in your solar plexus. Naturally,I shall be removing it at the next stop, or when the enormous Danish youth carrying his house on his back shifts a bit,whichever happens soonest.Thank you for tolerating this intrusion with absolutely No Reaction Whatsoever, as any acknowledgement of irritation could,as we both know, lead to bloodshed and unfortunate reprisals".
This can all be conveyed with the slightest of facial expressions and micro-movements, such is the marvellous expressiveness of the human physiognomy. Aren't we lucky? What a piece of work is a Man. If you see how people generally negotiate crowded spaces, and more,often than not, queue up nicely when asked, it is an admirable achievement on behalf of a species who frequently appear to be otherwise rattling merrily to Hell in a pimped handcart with no brakes. I think this is something that our battered old islands can be proud of, long after more impolite actions,like sending battleships all over the globe, sidling into other people's countries with an army, planting a flag and saying "Thanks very much", have been apologised for. If you can't manage morals, manners will go a long way.
Proper behaviour is designed to make other individuals feel comfortable and approved-of. It is not designed to catch people out in minor faults and then draw attention to them.
And now, I am off to carry out the elaborate tea ceremony with Bob The Builder. I will pretend that I enjoy doing this, and he will pretend that he finds my vile tea delectable.We will both pretend that we are not addressing each other over a toilet. After all, we are neither of us French.
I felt like Joyce Grenfell in a crack den.
Someone once observed that for strict observance of social niceties, and prickly sensitivities when these are neglected;one should not study the behaviour of Duchesses, but rather see what happens in prisons. When people are crowded together in tense situations with companions not of their choosing, it becomes absolutely vital for everyone to behave themselves. Keeping a polite physical distance is not only good manners, but good hygiene. On the Rude Tube, for instance, where this is not possible; the only sane response is to signal with the vast array of subtle non-verbals and gestures available to lucky humans , the following sentiments;
"I regret deeply our physical proximity on this occasion. In another,more spacious and mutually agreed social setting, my word,it could have been delightful. But alas, here we are crammed together on the Piccadilly Line, and I have my elbow in your solar plexus. Naturally,I shall be removing it at the next stop, or when the enormous Danish youth carrying his house on his back shifts a bit,whichever happens soonest.Thank you for tolerating this intrusion with absolutely No Reaction Whatsoever, as any acknowledgement of irritation could,as we both know, lead to bloodshed and unfortunate reprisals".
This can all be conveyed with the slightest of facial expressions and micro-movements, such is the marvellous expressiveness of the human physiognomy. Aren't we lucky? What a piece of work is a Man. If you see how people generally negotiate crowded spaces, and more,often than not, queue up nicely when asked, it is an admirable achievement on behalf of a species who frequently appear to be otherwise rattling merrily to Hell in a pimped handcart with no brakes. I think this is something that our battered old islands can be proud of, long after more impolite actions,like sending battleships all over the globe, sidling into other people's countries with an army, planting a flag and saying "Thanks very much", have been apologised for. If you can't manage morals, manners will go a long way.
Proper behaviour is designed to make other individuals feel comfortable and approved-of. It is not designed to catch people out in minor faults and then draw attention to them.
And now, I am off to carry out the elaborate tea ceremony with Bob The Builder. I will pretend that I enjoy doing this, and he will pretend that he finds my vile tea delectable.We will both pretend that we are not addressing each other over a toilet. After all, we are neither of us French.
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