My internet browser has become a little over-familiar, lately. Has yours done this? It says, "Ooops, shucks, well..this is embarrassing", when it can't find something. My e-mail is at it too; "Hurrah,you don't have any junk!"it trills.I don't see what it has to be so pleased with itself about,frankly. I have emptied the more egregiously demented communications from my own junkety thing all on my own. Cheek! And this morning,it took it upon itself to translate my inbox headings into Spanish.
Although sometimes tempted to reply to some of the more puzzling e-mails in "Junk", purely in the spirit of innocent enquiry; I have so far resisted all cajolments re altering the size of my penis. Furthermore, I have had some interesting yet heartbreaking stories from widows of famous men all over the world. I berate myself for the sad lack of detailed knowledge of foreign politics that prevents me from recognising their names. However, it seems that they have immense sums of money floating about,which they require my bank account details in order to transfer to this country. I am not sure why they have singled me out for this honour, any more than I know why various pharmaceutical companies are insistant that I increase the size of my manhood and "astonish my partner". If I was really mean-spirited, I should provide them with my sort code and account number. They would then perhaps share in the burden of the endless correspondence I have with my bank. At the Bank Of Fairyland, which holds my account, much in the way that a fastidious dowager would hold a dog product, I am generally considered to be Bad News. I am not allowed a cheque book, and the tatty old card I have only lets me get money out if I actually have it.This is unsporting of them. Maybe an influx of laundered dosh from Nigeria might improve their opinion of me? I preferred it when my dear old human bank manager in Leeds used to ask me in so he could glare at me,and produce a sheaf of bounced cheques.At least then it was possible to do a bit of highly-coloured explaining. "I know it looks like a cheque to "Miss Selfridge", Mr Gradgrind, but it is in fact a roundabout way of paying the electricity bill.Let me tell you why..."
I think I need someone sensible to make me less flighty. And who better than Nice Irena, hailing me affectionately from somewhere Eastern European, in this wise; " Knock Knock Knock...? Is the door of your heart open...? Perhaps you let me come in? Oh sorry.. I forgot to introduce myself..My name is Irina. I also love cooking and some other things. My free time depends on my mood, sometimes I like being alone reading some book or listening to the music, sometimes in a gym or in a small caffee with my friends. But no matter how I feel, no matter what time of the year it is, I always love to be in the nature." Accompanying this effusion is an attached photograph of Irina "in the nature".
No, absolutely NOT in that sense..honestly,you people! It is a picture of Irina fully and respectably clothed in a blue print frock, lurking soulfully around the trunk of a tree. She does look a reliable sort. And I could certainly do with someone to cook for the Boy. He threatens to ring Childline when I try it. She might not settle in Gambier Towers where, although we are lousy with books,there is no gym. Perhaps she could go to Rugby with the Boy; there is something about her that suggests a useful prop forward. I am not mocking Nice Irina, you understand. Things must be pretty grim in Estalbaniksthan if she wants to come and live with us, and I am sure I would be unable to make a similiarly innocent and convincing case for a stranger to take ME in.
"Hello Dear Heart, I am Liz. I love strong drink and weak puns. I always love to be in the bar, hooting senselessly; either alone,or with my disreputable friends.I hate Mother Nature,and she hates me. I am no homemaker, sadly, but am good at knowing who died of what, if you are fond of the pub quiz".
What I need to do, probably,is to send HER e-mail to my pal in Nigeria, who has chosen me above all to recieve the honour of this amount. I will take a small introduction fee for this service, and send it to the Co-op, thus adding to the sum of human happiness. Yes,I shall do this right away. I'll let you know how it turns out.
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