Borgia Orgy

Has anyone seen "The Borgias"? I see very little television myself,as I am a Radio 4-Head and the Giant Boy is usually plonked in front of it with the X-Box. However, I was at my Sainted Mother's house on Saturday, and we decided to give it a go.

Well!  All historical epics these days have to open with a display of writhing buttocks (a small village in Dorset), to remind us that we didn't in fact invent sex in the 1960's, and to draw in the all-important teenage demographic. So there was that, and some incest. A very drippy girl who was meant to be the young Lucrezia popped up in a nighty, and her volatile brother Cesare chased her round the pillar of a villa. Lots of Cardinals occured, and everyone became very cross about "Simony". NOT "Simon  Dee",which is what I had half-heard whilst digging the sherry bottle out of the dishwasher which serves as my Mother's cocktail cabinet.

Now dear Mamma is of an age when her sight is unreliable,and the Borgia family were understandably low on lighting, big on shadowy drapes. So she lost interest for a bit, until Cesare arrived with a monkey. I knew this would not end well. In a drama of this nature, cute animals and small furry children only get camera time if they are going to bite the dust. The monkey's fate was sealed when it was invited to a Borgia dinner,and given dodgy wine. Derek Jacobi,in a resplendent scarlet frock, gave it a distinctly chilly look. A little later,both expired. Derek rather wonderfully, with red-flecked foam issuing from his mouth. It was lucky for Wardrobe that he was wearing red. The monkey got his in the kitchen, where poisoners were working double shifts.

Now I haven't mentioned Jeremy Irons;  and there he was acting away like billy-ho the whole time. As Cardinal Rodrigo, he got to wear the entire costume budget on his head. It was really hard to follow what he was saying (it was mostly about him being elected Pope, and simony again, I think), because in every scene he sported a huge daft head dress and a suicidal expression. At one point they made him sit in the ceremonial chair with a hole in it, in  order to have his testicles checked by a cheeky deacon, who announced joyfully "testiculos habet" ("He has testicles"). This is supposedly done because of Pope Joan ,and I am afraid, is completely apochryphal, but you can see how they couldn't resist. Jeremy, reasonably, looked peevish throughout. I have had somesearching interviews in my time, but nothing on that scale.

Once this was all done and dusted, Pope Rodrigo could get on with poping, and putting away his mistress. She was played by glorious Joanne Whalley. Every straight man I have ever met (and yes, I do realise  that this does not provide a large sample) remembers her greasing up Micheal Gambon in "The Singing Detective". An unenviable task.  Alas, I always get my Dennis Potters and Harry Potters mixed up.What a very different franchise THAT would have been.. And now she is stuck with Jeremy telling her off in Latin, poor beast. In order to boost viewing figures and to spread historical knowledge;  I shall reproduce here the last word on the subject, as delivered by the unforgiveable Hermione Gingold.

"The Borgias are having an orgy
There’s a Borgian orgy tonight
And isn’t it sickening ,we’ve run out of strychnine
The gravy will have to have ground glass for thickening..
The poisoned Chianti is terribly scanty
But everything else is all right!
There’s arsenic mixed in the mock-turtle soup
I’ve hidden an ax in the iced cantaloupe
And straight benzadrene in the apricot coupe
At the Borgia orgy tonight.

Our guests are exclusively chosen
From people who give us a pain
The cream of the joke is the knowledge
That they won’t come here again
We’ll all be most frightfully hearty
At the Borgian orgy tonight.
For the Dukle’s eldest son there’s a monstrous cream bun
Soaked in hot prussic acid, it’s all good clean fun
A bomb in the ladies will blow them to Hades
If anyone turns on the light
The bodies will fall through a trap-door below
To the Tiber and drift out to sea on the flow
We think we can promise a jolly good show
At the Borgian orgy tonight.We revel in giving a party
A fete or a fancy dress ball
There’s always a nice game of bingo
And a good time had by all
The Borgias are giving an orgy
There’s a Borgia orgy tonight
I’ve poisson ptomane which will wrack them with pain
We’ve nothing to lose and a whole lot to gain
We’re pushing some people we know off a steeple
It should be a wonderful sight
We’ve bricked up some cousins of ours in a wall
Their agonised cries won’t disturb us at all
As we sit here sipping our wormwood and gall
At the Borgia orgy tonight"

No, you are most welcome.